Some Day My Artist Formerly Known As Prince Will Come...

Riffing on a theme started back on the ‘Big Issues’ blog, I’m slightly concerned that the longer I live the life of the (slightly) gay bachelor (well, mildly camp at least) - the more singularly eccentric I’ll become - and the longer I’ll live the life of… You get the picture.
Oh, hello - by the way.

Not that I’m in any way resembling a Susan Boyles-Kittens-In-A-Bag slightly sinister singleton. Yet…

However my life; creative projects, work & kids schedule etc. dictates that I’m more often spread thinner than Homer Simpson’s hair gel. Which is fine for me, but isn’t all that conducive with encountering a prospective (very patient) partner. And being an utterly hopeless romantic, I don’t buy-in to the mail order ‘love’ of dating sites etc. much in the same way I’d be wary of anything recommended in Exchange & Mart, lest after a few miles of trouble-free fun - bits start smoking, falling off, making a troubling & unidentifiable grinding noise or growing hair… Or all four.

Please don’t take that to mean I objectify or belittle women. I certainly don’t. Just ask any of my many be-atches! (kidding!).

So I put my hands ever patiently in the hands of fate, optimistic that one fine day I’ll receive that sucker punch to the gut and fall utterly and irretrievably in love. But seeing as Audrey Tautou won’t return my calls, what’s a garcon to do?…

Trouble is, being comfortable with one’s own company and forever thankful of the perks of independence is just a recipe for the rather unrealistic aspiration to perfection. And in that I don’t mean the demeaning nomenclature/ pursuit of the ‘Perfect 10’ / ‘Perfect Body’… I mean finding someone to fit perfectly into every trifling little ludicrous criteria one concocts for their mythical soul-mate. Let’s call it - the Seinfeld clause.

Anyone who’s experienced one of the best sitcoms ever will be well acquainted with Seinfeld’s shallow and superficial way in frightening himself off women. Whether they be a ‘low talker’, have ‘man hands’, a weird laugh or opposing views on a jeans commercial - there’s always some little niggle that brings fly and ointment together forever.

Now of course I know that such proclivities in pernicketiness say more about Jerry Seinfeld (and me) than any undeserving ‘subject’ - and that ironically - this is likely to prove a major bug-bear for anyone remotely interested. Self awareness is a cruel but truthful mistress.

The uber wonderful Lucy Porter (she won’t return my calls either) has a lovely piece of material along these lines:

“I’m at that stage in life where I think it would be nice (to have a boyfriend) but I’m not sure I can be bothered to train anyone for the position”.

Wouldn’t it be nice to trip over someone who ’gets’ you? Isn’t there some kind of club we could all go? Isn’t there some kind of online community we could all join? Oh… Yes… I see…

Even in my old fashioned romanticism I’m just a tad misguided / ’eccentric’ (read ’howling at all the wrong trees). Back during my phase of hoarding Converse trainers (before realisation dawned on what evil scumbags they were/are) - I was mucho ecstatico upon clawing up an off-white pair with beguilingly unusual red and blue piping (and a clutch of other neat motifs). Some time and many miles underfoot later, I realised that my ’pair’ of trainers didn’t quite match - and that I’d been given a completely separate design for each foot - in the same size.
This of course meant that somewhere an identical pair of non-identical trainers languished awaiting an owner. This became my glass slipper. This was sure to be an indicator - a shining Bat-signal to my true soul mate. Albeit one with scary-assed man-sized feet... Yes, I’ve come to see the folly…

So fate, over to you. I await your undeserved benevolence.

Until then, I can press warmly to my breast the knowledge that it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. This I do believe. But if anyone tells you it’s better to see Queen with Paul Rodgers, than never have seen Queen at all - they are frankly my friend - quite full of it.

Stay positive!
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